sometimes life just isn't that fun....

the past week has been a roller coaster. normally i would've been continuing the countdown to my birthday. because face it, i LOVE my birthday. but this week i haven't felt like counting down to anything. it was the slowest week of my life. and honestly, i forgot there was anything exciting waiting at the end of it anyway.

my junior year of college i moved out of the on campus dorms at acu and into my first "place of my own". and what do you need when you move out? why a pet of course! so within maybe a week of moving back to abilene for the start of the fall semester, i found the perfect little guy to keep my roommates and me company. jaxon was purchased from the pound and hidden from my parents, my landlord, and anyone else who would be upset at the purchase that i really couldn't afford :) but i loved that little guy. even when he'd dart out of the house and make a b-line for judge ely (one of the busiest streets in abilene). i've been through a lot with that guy. i joke that i've had him longer than drew :)

and although he's been a little more neglected since lana entered the picture, i still love him so much. he's a good dog. kinda tears up my backyard (with the help of his accomplice--toketee) but i love him.

last friday he got really sick. i took him to the emergency room (for dogs) to find out he had ketoacidosis. his body was shutting down because he had diabetes and his body was not doing hot. we hospitalized him over the course of the weekend to get the ketones out of his urine and to get some fluids in him. he was severely dehydrated from the starvation. but i picked him up monday morning with a refreshing new hope. he was better. the ketones were gone. and so started the new routine of owning a diabetic dog. or so we thought.

over the course of the week jax wasn't getting any better. i was getting up VERY early every morning to start the course of his treatment...medicine to take away the nausea so when i force fed him, he wouldn't puke it back up. and then i'd have to give him his antibiotics to fight off the infection in him, and lastly the insulin shots. i'm not afraid of needles so that was no big thing. but jax just wasn't getting better. as of yesterday morning i was still force feeding him. he didn't want anything we offered. and when i say anything, i mean ANY thing. after more blood work friday afternoon, the vet called saturday to say without an ultrasound she wouldn't be able to tell for sure what was going on with him. but that she was certain diabetes was secondary.

the vet really wanted an ultrasound to find out what else was wrong. but after all of the money we'd already laid out we didn't really think it would be wise to spend money on. because if it was cancer, we really couldn't afford the $3K-$5K it would cost to treat him. and he's almost 11 years old. the vet thought at most we'd extend his life another year. so, as an alternative, we thought doing subcutaneous fluids at home would flush out his kidneys. if the levels didn't go back to normal then we would know it was probably cancer.

we gave jax his first round of fluids around 5pm last night. again, not afraid of needles so sticking that ridiculously thick needle in him was no big deal. the big deal came with the seizure. he's had a history of seizures but nothing like this. about an hour after the fluids he started tensing up. i couldn't even tell what was going on because his seizures had never looked like that before. i kept calling him to get up to go outside, but he wouldn't move. i tried to pick him up but his legs wouldn't work. then it became apparent what was happening. that seizure lasted about 30 minutes. THIRTY minutes. and during that time he was barking, yelping, and i was in tears. it was the worst thing in the world to watch him go through. and he was in so much pain.

after the seizure we called the emergency room to see if this was a sign of the end or something else--because obviously i was googling symptoms/signs trying to figure out on my own what was going on. the ER had his records so they knew what was going on. it was time to let go. so for about 2 hours i cried trying to convince myself that i really had done all we could do. that he was just at that point. he didn't want to move. he didn't want to eat. he'd lost so much weight and could barely support himself when he walked. really, he just laid there looking lifeless. you might get a tail wag out of him every once in a while, but he was already gone. yah, he was breathing but he was already gone. so we took jax up to the emergency room and put him to sleep. and it was probably the hardest decision i've had to make this far in my life. because i felt like i was giving up on him. but the doctor assured me (as did drew and my sister) that it was time. drew mentioned that the saddest thing about him dying was that he looked the same dead as he did the last day he was alive. and it was true.

i still wonder if the poor guy ever even had diabetes. all of the symptoms of diabetes are those of kidney disease/renal failure. so it would make sense that getting his glucose levels in check didn't fix the problem. because that wasn't the problem.

i have to say that yesterday was probably the worst birthday i've ever had. and i'm sitting here looking at toketee thinking "do we really only have you now? jaxon is really gone?" i'm so grateful that toketee is healthy but just can't believe what all has happened over the course of the past week. it came out of no where.

but i know he's better off. who knew i would be in such mourning over this. i think its going to be a process and would really appreciate your prayers.