i just can't do it

today i went to the daycare at jcp for lana's intake appointment. the people are so incredible there. they're going to keep her on her schedule for naps, feedings, etc. and the 'room mom' said they're always working on different things with the babies during wake time--tummy time, working with feeling new textures, seeing things...it's going to be really great for her to learn those things. but it was terrible too. because i realize that i go back to work on monday. today is technically my last 'work day' off....and i'm a wreck. i'm trying not to be, but this is probably the hardest thing i will ever have to do. and just think--it's not even monday night yet. or better yet--it's not tuesday morning as i'm walking away from the daycare and up to my desk. i realize now that tuesday is a horrible day for me to start back to work, and this isn't just an excuse. i seriously have meetings from 8am to 5pm on Tuesdays. how in the WORLD am i going to find time to go see my little lana? this is terrible. i seriously would sell everything i own to be able to stay home with her--my house, my car, you name it, SOLD! i know she's going to be fine. and i know that i'm eventually going to be fine. but i just don't think this is the way it's supposed to be. i really feel like i should be the one to raise my daughter. not to knock any of you who are total advocates of daycare, but my mom stayed at home with us and i wouldn't trade that for the world. and i never thought i'd want to be a stay at home mom, but i do! i want that! so, i've never done this before, but i'm going to buy a lottery ticket for tomorrow night. if i win, then i'll know God wants me at home. if i don't win, well, then i'll just play every wednesday and saturday until i do win! :)

tonight we have some friends coming over for dinner. the wife is a teacher (the boozers) and i plan on picking her brain! drew and i are still trying to get me into teaching, so i need help on interviewing. i can interview for business jobs...i've never not got a job i interviewed for. but teaching is a whole different ball game. i'm terrified of the interview process. but i know that i really want to be a teacher...and that's going to make life so much easier in the summers if i can get one. time off every year with lana. so, say a prayer. i'm not sure it's going to work out for this next school year, but who knows. and actually, this may be a moot point....if i win the lottery.

hope you all have a super friday!