struggles

i've kinda decided, at the risk of sounding very skeptical and pessimistic, that people just can't be trusted. it doesn't matter how long or even how short you've known someone...you just can't really trust them. i try my hardest to not give people a reason to say anything about me behind my back, but somehow it still happens. and my faith in people decreases. this shouldn't be a surprise to me, though. we're a fallen people. we're not perfect--and even though people claim to be christians, they're clearly not holding themselves to the same standard. and it still hurts my feelings. i think i'm going to try EXTRA hard this week to stop people from gossiping around me. not cool, kids. not cool.

secondly, i'm having a very hard time at work. unfortunately, we've entered the realm of "drew is no longer available--please check back in march". it's a tough time of year for him, and i feel terrible that work wears him out like this. so be saying prayers for drew. he can always use them!

the problem i'm having at work is that i don't have enough time in my day to get things accomplished that i need to. the daycare opens at 7am...and if i wanted to be there to drop lana off at 7 so i could be at my desk and working by 720, i'd have to be up at 5am every day. i'm definitely NOT a morning person, but i guess this could be done. poor lana would have to move her wake up time up to 545-6am and her bed time up to 730-8pm. which i guess is ok. (but would be horrible on the weekends getting up before 6am! ugh!) i have to be on my way down to the daycare at 515 to make sure i get lana out of there by 530. you might be thinking....what? it takes 15 minutes to get to the daycare INSIDE YOUR BUILDING??? people, JCP is huge. and huge doesn't even capture it's hugeness. it's a quarter of a mile from one side of the building to the next, and while that doesn't sound very far, it may as well be a MILE in heels! :)

so my struggle is that i've been losing about 2 hours of work every day since i started back in may. i used to come in at 730 and leave around 6. Now, i get to my desk around 8, leave by 515, and since I'm still nursing, i have 1 hour a day i spend walking down to the clinic to pump (sorry for all the information...i'm sure you were just DYING to know that!) Most days i eat lunch at my desk to get an hour back, but somehow I'm still always behind. I feel like people are having to pick up my slack at work, and that's not something i take lightly. i'm a very independent person who doesn't like asking for help. i'd rather work all night so i don't bother other people with having to do my stuff. i'm definitely being taught a lesson here. not only that, but something happened to my brain after lana was born. i'm not kidding. it really doesn't work. i can't think straight and i sure am NOT as smart as i used to be. this is not a joke. but a real struggle for me at work. you can laugh, but seriously, pray about it too!

but i feel like people are starting to get annoyed. for example, yesterday the daycare called me to come get lana...she was sick and they wanted me to take her to the doctor before she got any worse. we had already been out monday and tuesday due to me being sick, and then i had to leave early friday because lana was sick. really? i worked 2 1/2 days last week? how in the HECK am i supposed to get my work done in 2 1/2 days when i'm struggling to get everything accomplished in 45 hours a week? so i can definitely tell it's grating on people's nerves that I have to be out.

but what am i supposed to do? really, what? do you really think i'll get things accomplished if i were to bring lana back up to my desk to finish working? do you think anyone else would get anything done with a screaming baby nearby? i'm just at a loss for what to do. these are not circumstances i have control over--getting sick, having a sick baby.... i have no clue how in the world i'm supposed to be able to do my job (and do it well, because we're supposed to serve our bosses as if we were serving the Lord.... something i still need to work on). but lately, i can feel myself getting frustrated at drew. why is it that he doesn't have to just cut meetings off because the daycare is closing. why is it my job that always has to suffer? why do i have to look like the slacker? but it's not his fault. the daycare is at my work. this is something we've talked through many times, and even before lana was born. i insisted it would be fine. but i can feel this frustration bubbling up in me and it's hard to not lash out in anger.

so please be in prayer over us. i'm not sure what to do. i dont know if God is trying to show me a different path and i keep missing it, or if He's trying to toughen me up a little. i honestly wouldn't mind just working at a no brainer job so i could leave at 5pm every day (or maybe 430). of course my paycheck would suffer tremendously, but i'd still be contributing something! i guess that's the point. life focus has shifted. it shouldn't be on a career for now, but on family. i've had this desire to do the financial peace university for a few years now, and thanks to kim & scott doing it, i think drew is on board too. maybe this will be our way to get finances in order (paying off dreaded school loans) in order for me to cut back work hours and really be able to raise lana. for fear of going off on another rambling tangent, i'll spare you the "i don't want daycare raising my daughter" sermon. if you've read my blog for a while, or know me at all, you know i am not in favor of daycare at all. moving on.

so, i know this is a bomb of a post...and a side of me i don't really like to show all that often. i've struggled a lot since starting back to work. and i know if there was anything drew could do to allow me to stay home, or to make this easier on me, he would. it hurts him to see me so upset about this stuff. but i don't want him to switch jobs. he LOVES what he does. and he's so good at it. he has found his calling and he needs to stay there. see, i just don't know what the answer is. pray for us to have open hearts, ears, minds, everything so we can figure this out. and pray for our sick little lana! i hear her now, so i'll end.

have a super saturday! the weekends are so precious!